Three wise men of Indostan

(Riiiiiight. Stop that at once. Natalie Merchant already wrote a song about wise men of Indostan, and you did that daft parody about elephants stomping on people. And you just came off the back of a song about a shirt from Bangladesh. Why don't you aim for another part of the subcontinent? What about Laos? Nobody ever writes about Laos. OK. The three wise men are from Laos. Got it? Sheesh. Start again).

Three wise men of Vientiane,
Capital of Laos
Lined themselves up facing north
Soldiers in a Raos... Row, *cough*.

Each wore a hat selected
From a fivesome on a rack
Three of palest milky white
And two of deepest black

The wise man at the forefront
Could perceive not either friend
The others, only he who stood
More near the northern end

A voice rang out 'Your mission -
To discern your bonnet's colour
Though you cannot see your own hat
Or talk to another fuller.. fellow, sorry

The scene ensued so tranquil
Girt without a hint of violence
A moment passed, before the man
Most northern broke the silence

"khaphachaokho mikhuaamsuk
thi lik khongkhaphachao pen sik"

(Riiight. Stop that. What the hell are you doing?)
[Well, he's from Laos, you see, It seemed only natural that he would speak -]
(And do you think any of your listeners do? Translate in haste. And make it rhyme.)
[*Exhales*]

A moment passed, before the man
Most northern broke the silence

"I declare with delight
That my hat is pure white!"
Indeed, it was so
But how
Did
He
Know?

*Instrumental*

Although the men were worldly, wise
Not one was a magician
But each was perfect in their logic -
Perfect three logicians

The rear man knew his only chance
To speak with certainty
The colour of his headgear
Was for him to clearly see

That both black hats were sitting
On the pates of those ahead
But what he saw was white as snow
And so no words he said

The middle man thought therefore
'If a black hat I did face,
I'd know for sure that mine was white'
But that was not the case

With black and white left in the pool
No more could be inferred
About what lay upon his head
So he said not a word

The front man took this silence
As a prima facie proof
That his own hat could not be black
And thus he said aloof...

(Well, what?)
[Well, I already told you what he said. He said 'I declare with delight that my hat is pure white'. Weren't you listening?]
(Look, it's a sodding song. You're allowed to say the same thing more than once. In fact, it's actively encouraged for key themes and... you know, I don't have to explain this to you. Just sing!)
[*Exhales*

"I declare with delight
That my hat is pure white!"
Indeed it was so
But how
Did
He
...

[This is stupid. I've just spent five verses explaining how he came to that conclusion, it makes no sense to ask the listener-]
(Look, how many times do I have to tell you? This is a song. You can repeat things in songs even after the listener's already heard them, I)
[But it's a riddle! The riddle's already been answered! There's absolutely no sense in asking twi-]
(IT'S. A. SONG. Did Bob Dylan just stop singing after he said the answer was blowing in the wind? No he arsing well didn't. And they gave him a Nobel prize for it)
[This is ridiculous. I quit].
(YOU CAN'T QUIT! I FIRE YOU!)
[YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! I QUIT!]
(YOU CAN'T QUIT!, I

*Both are drowned out by a chord in the vein of the Beatles' 'A Day in the Life'...

*End*